My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
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If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car