2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
You Might Also Like
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time