my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
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Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
😅🤣😂
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.