[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
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My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
#JohnTravolta
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
The Struggle
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.