@bingowings14
@CatherineLMK Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
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@CatherineLMK 
@noog After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
@C_Hendrick Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
@LuvPug Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
@djdarrellripley Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
@david8hughes [at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
@citizenkawala Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
@DadandBuried My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
@melip0ne relationship goals
@freypalm My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.