If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
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[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot