@bingowings14

If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.

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@CatherineLMK

Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.

@noog

After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.

@LuvPug

Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death

Me: I’ll take it

@djdarrellripley

Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?

Me: What a beautiful language…

@david8hughes

[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath

@DadandBuried

My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.

Have kids, they said.

@freypalm

My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…

Me: Go on.

My dad:

Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.