Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
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Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
FINE, I WON’T.
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*