[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
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Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
love it when they get my name right
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.