I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
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Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.