You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
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*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.