Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
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just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
a fate I wish upon no one
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.