But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
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If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
#Caturday
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
.
.
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The top ans was
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GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care