@pizzajaynow

If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”

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@whatsJo

I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.

@dumbbeezie

Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does

@neiltyson

Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats

@thecourtrundell

My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.

@LoveNLunchmeat

Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.

@GrantTanaka

wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]

@TheWoodenslurpy

I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”

@mlinhart

Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.

@SexySpacePrince

*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!