If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
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I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
New comic up. “Ransom”
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
Motion detecting home security camera working well!