My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
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Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
is it earth
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car