Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
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Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
All food is good if you spell it wrong
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.