me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
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I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
We need more people like this.
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.