me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
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Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: I’m a planet
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015