I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
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sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:
1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?