Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
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Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.