Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
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I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.