girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
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People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
A double negative is a big no-no.
If I ignore life will it go away?
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.