@bourgeoisalien

If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”

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@SteveSuckington

[therapy]

WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter

ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny

@Hect0rMayorga

They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”

@thezsmooth

My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain

@MomofTeen

He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.

With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.

@WilliamAder

Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”

@girl_a_whirl

Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.

@GodAnimalBooks

God: you’re a coyote.

Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?

God: Heavenly Way.

Coyote: what about your first pets name?

God: Sprinkles : )

Coyote: awww last four of your social?

God: 0001, why?

Coyote: no reason.

[later]

Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.

@mrjohndarby

doctor: can you describe the pain?

me: i have a knife sticking into me

doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain

me: sharp

doctor: like a knife?

me: yes, exactly that

doctor: *proudly* its my first day

@daddygofish

A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir