If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
You Might Also Like
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.