If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”

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WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter

ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny


They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”


My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain


He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.

With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.


Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”


Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.


God: you’re a coyote.

Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?

God: Heavenly Way.

Coyote: what about your first pets name?

God: Sprinkles : )

Coyote: awww last four of your social?

God: 0001, why?

Coyote: no reason.


Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.


doctor: can you describe the pain?

me: i have a knife sticking into me

doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain

me: sharp

doctor: like a knife?

me: yes, exactly that

doctor: *proudly* its my first day


A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir