If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
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“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
I’m Kodak hut old. So I know a thing or two about humiliation, I had to pick up my own nudes, in person.
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
some Old Testament wisdom
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Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
Any refunds available?…
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Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
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Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok