My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
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Just a phase…
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]