@PeaceInTruth1

Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.

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@Cornjerker78

Me: OK Fine. ๐‘ฐโ€™๐‘ณ๐‘ณ cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.

[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?

@Tbone7219

If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.

@Marcmywords2

Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too late

Bananas

@That_Damn_Duck

#If #Iโ€™m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.

@Swishergirl24

My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.

@LaniBeno

Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.

@MauriceBlitz

Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.

@SamGrittner

ME: โ€œMy time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!โ€
FRIEND: โ€œYou mean baby Hitler?โ€
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:โ€Iโ€™ll be right back.โ€

@david8hughes

POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.