Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
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If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too late
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.