Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
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Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
Just a friendly reminder!
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”