Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
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Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.