Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
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Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: N臎co dal拧铆ho?
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
If you know, you know 馃槀馃殧
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that鈥檚 what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 馃憥
Y鈥檃ll wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn鈥檛 any sensitive content warning.
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender鈥檚 attention.
I bet Gloria Estefan鈥檚 kids were terrified of rhythm.
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
The perfect label doesn鈥檛 exi-
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on