@BDGarp

I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.

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@RobDenBleyker

Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.

@Cool_Jesse

That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.

@BigJDubz

In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it

@TheTweetOfGod

Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.

@robdelaney

My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.

@SmithWit

Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.

@RowdyBowden

Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.

@loribuckmajor

I like to finish other people’s sentences because

my version is better.

@kelkulus

I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.