I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.

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Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.


That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.


In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it


Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.


My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.


Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.


Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.


I like to finish other people’s sentences because

my version is better.


I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.