I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
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My Sentiments Exactly
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑