@anerdonfire2

Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.

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@CAshmanActor

Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!

@OBiiieeee

Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.

@humanaaron

me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into

prison guard: no talking after lights out

@_Mo_lee_

If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her

@fro_vo

[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer

@boonecomedy

Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor

@dril

that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop

@mommajessiec

Me: *hanging off a cliff*

Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!

Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-

Kids: What’s for dinner?

@scrappy_momma

Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.

@RodLacroix

Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.