Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.

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Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!


Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.


me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into

prison guard: no talking after lights out


If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her


[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer


Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor


that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop


Me: *hanging off a cliff*

Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!

Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-

Kids: What’s for dinner?


Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.


Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.