*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
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[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
Did my cat write this
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.