Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
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[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.