Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
You Might Also Like
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
is this meant to deter me
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
Harsh but fair
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday