Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
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I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones