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*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.