My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
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i’m having this made into a welcome mat
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.