Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
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How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day