“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
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Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.