me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
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[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
Have kids, they said
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?