A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
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If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.