*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
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Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.