I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
You Might Also Like
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.