[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
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I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
I’ve been drinking.
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.