Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
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Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.