Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
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For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
who will stop them
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut