I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
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Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
Not all heroes wear capes.
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*