Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
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I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
why isn’t thunder called soundning
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”