God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
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Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
I asked my doctor about prescribing me sleep medication and he asked if I had tried “giving yourself permission to sleep” instead and now I’m so mad I don’t think I’ll ever sleep again
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶