“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
You Might Also Like
My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
Did a trash talking tree write this?
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?