Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
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Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply