[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
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Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
Go girl power!
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills