Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
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[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
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Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.