Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
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sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
Google Pay be like:
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My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.