The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
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$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
I hope google does well on my son’s test
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.