30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
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With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
I love the National Park Service.
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!
*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.