Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
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Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
Natural selection at its finest
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.